Peteca toma seu banho by elbragon

Then Brother Matt mentioned during his recent Florida visit that my current and persistent lack of a girlfriend was causing mom to openly worry whether I’ve changed my gender preferences. Thanks mom. The truth is I’m beginning to wonder: have I become lazy, too cautious or too picky when it comes to dating?

This is hardly a new phenomenon. I went through a pretty long dry spell after breaking up with a live-in girlfriend in the early 90s. One friend spoke up at the time and said that he and my other friends were worried that I’d given up on having someone in my life. I was just beginning my teaching career and pretty much every waking hour and ounce of emotional energy was being poured into surviving those first few years. I thought I was, for the first time, being smart and acting like an adult. Apparently not. Damn.

past girlfriends by joe bustillos

Another friend, who knew that I’d been very fortunate with the level of attractiveness of my former girlfriends and female friends, said that I needed to expand my preferences beyond curvy playboy playmates. Out of frustration she quipped that at our age all the good ones were already taken anyway.That one left a scar. I mean, if all the good ones are taken and I’m not taken then does this mean that I’m not one of the “good ones?” Shit. That didn’t leave me with a particularly hopeful sense of having a future with someone I found attractive.

So at least one part of moving across the continent over a year ago was to get a new start on social things. And as much as I’d been warned to not have high expectations by two very good friends who have lived in the area (I mean, after all I’ve spent a lifetime spoiled by all the pretty people in Southern California), my dateless-state is not for a lack of attractive women where ever one goes. So, again, am I being lazy, overly cautious or just too picky? Sitting here staring at these words reminds me that the fact that I reflect and try to think through all of this is just not normal for guys, so my well-meaning friends say. Ack.

When I was in the process of moving here one friend suggested a couple websites, like meetup.com, where one could easily meet like-minded individuals centered on common interests. I signed up but never got off my butt. Another avenue to meet new people would have been to join a church. I used to inwardly chuckle when someone suggested that I should check in to see the size of the singles group before getting involved. But I couldn’t see making my choice of church based on some babe-meter. I had other issues about churches, so I never really even considered this as a meaningful option. In fact, being as busy as I’ve been over the past year, getting involved with anything for the purpose of meeting women hasn’t been enough. Put another way, there has to be a value to the thing beyond just meeting women. I am the complete inverse of several of my good buddies who’s main reason for doing anything is to meet women. That’s just not me. Don’t get me wrong, I love meeting new people and I generally find the people I encounter fascinating, but given how busy I am there are scant few hours dedicated to meeting these fascinating people.

One of the take-aways of my last relationship was how much better things seemed to come together for me when I’m in a relationship just in terms of energy and a sense of purpose. It’s not that I need someone for these things as much as having the benefit of someone to share the journey with, just in terms of bouncing ideas off of and getting outside of my own head on a regular ongoing basis. At the same time I do have a very full life with my career and writing and just the stuff that fills each day that I’m not entirely convinced that having as much freedom as I have isn’t much better than the complications of letting another voice into my life. Part of the problem is that I am very good at adapting to living all on my own and convincing myself that I really don’t need anyone. Too lazy, overly cautious or just too picky? I think I need to work the “friends” angle and just get out more to be with other people and find the joy there. No pretenses, no props, no re-inventions, nothing that’s not really a part of my life and passions. I’ll dare to go to the park without the borrowed dog and see what happens. jbb

Jessica at Laguna Lake by TravOC

Sources:
Image: Peteca toma seu banho by elbragon, http://www.flickr.com/photos/elbragon/3183246877/ retrieved on 10/15/2009, Creative commons/attribution license.
Image: Past Girlfriends by Joe Bustillos, http://joebustillos.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/05/mygirls-1.gif retrieved 10/15/2009. Creative Commons/attribution license.
image: Jessica at Laguna Lake by TravOC, http://www.flickr.com/photos/travoc/89394031/ retrieved on 10/15/2009, Creative Commons/attribution license.

What would you do if (name-redacted) sent you a friend request on FB? Would you confirm or ignore . . . I still regularly think about (different name-redacted) – almost daily. I’m worried I can never get past her. And yes, I just got a friend request from her.

image by clipart.com

I’d been letting my “being-too-busy” dictate my social life (or the lack thereof) lately… okay, for the past year. But this dilemma required a response, so I sent the following back to my buddy:

Good question. First I’d be totally shocked because (name-redacted) isn’t an Internet “social networking” person. Second, I would be suspicious of her motives. All that said, I’d probably confirm. It’d be fun for a few days and them I’d remember that it didn’t work face-to-face, there’s even less for me via FB. Then I’d move on, per se, as one can move on from someone who’d previously defined ones life and crushed ones heart.

I have been over a year now without affection and intimacy in my life and that’s because of her. I think about her pretty much every day too, but I think of her as the one who had the chance to have everything I could give and rejected that so completely that I had to move to the opposite end of the continent, away from everything I knew and loved, so that I might start a new life and find someone to love me. I wish her well but in my mind I can’t get past the fact that she chose to not be in my life when I offered it. Now, it does help that I’ve benefited in every way imaginable by this rejection beginning with my job, to my friends here, to the new place I’ll be moving into in about two-weeks. But I think of her as the “oh well” in my life. I know Holly would ask, but if she said that she’s got it all figured out and she wants me back, what would I do?

There’s a danger being overly definitive about previous relationships, but my ability to trust her on any meaningful level has been permanently damaged. There’s no way in hell that I’d leave what I have going for myself in Orlando “to be with her.” If she said she’d come out here I wouldn’t believe it or trust her. The latter would be very destabilizing if it were to really happen (awkward!). Nope, I left everything I had to give. That well is complete dry. I gave up over a tenth of my life to her, almost to my own ruin. She’s not entitled to any more of me. I have to integrate all of that back into my life and be present in the good that is a part of my life now. Like i said, she’s the “oh well” of the past six years of my life.

And you, my friend, have got to do the same with your former flame. As (name-redacted)‘s psychologist once described me (not knowing that we were still seeing each other): “he was a wonderful memory which will give you warm feelings later in life, but nothing in the here and now.” amen, end of chapter. Hope this helps. Much love, jbb

image by joe bustillos

In the time that I’ve had my one dating experience most relationships have gone through whole life-cycles from discovery to death. Truth be told, the vast majority of my time with e-harmony I haven’t been actively pursuing anything as much as kept the service in my emotional back-pocket as a “Plan B.” I had a lot of fun the first few months when I was convinced that my former relationship was over and loved the possibility of meeting someone who was specially selected for me. Then that former relationship came back… kind’a. Well, it didn’t quite come back as much as it just took an extended period to expire. In the meantime, some of the air was let out of my e-Harmony expectations to the point where I just kept the subscription so that I could feel like there was a possibility of something for me in the future. Then when that former relationship really expired (for real this time!), it took almost all of my ability to trust myself and relationships with it. At that point I kept the e-Harmony account because I wasn’t ready to kill it too. Lately I’ve been thinking that it’s time to change a few things.

Something a match wrote in her profile reminded me of a quote from one of my favorite movies, American Beauty, when the main character, played by Kevin Spacey, is accused of being a bastard, to which he says, “Nope; I’m just an ordinary guy who has nothing left to lose.” In my case, with 1,251 rejections to my name, I’m clearly doing something wrong and I most definitely have nothing to lose. It should also go without saying that I’m counting on my results turning out way better than how things turned out for Lester Burnham, the American Beauty character by Kevin Spacey.

So, I started to think about putting some effort into opening up the social circle using Meet-Up.com to get out and hang out with folks with similar interests. I’ve also been hearing good things about the Plenty of Fish dating site. But none of that is all that different from what I’ve been doing for ages. So, the “got nothing to lose” twist is that I’m thinking that, given how much I post online, I should include a link to my Facebook profile (or this blog) in my e-harmony profile or whatever website I sign up for.

This definitely isn’t a plan that Dr. Warren from e-Harmony would recommend and there is a definite danger of giving away too much information too quickly, which is a bit like insisting on telling one’s whole life story when someone just asks “how ya doin’?” And there’s the risk that being this open makes it more difficult to walk away from an unwanted match if the match is persistent. Of course, once someone that I meet online knows my name all of this information is just a Google-search away anyway. So, what do I gain from this level of exposure? It counteracts the possibility that someone is going to close a match because nothing popped out at them in my initial profile or in my answers to their five questions. If they click the links they’ll get to know the things that are important enough to me for me to write about (assuming that they’d bother with the links… which is a big assumption).

Another thing that I’m thinking about here is that I’ve always seemed to do best in my relationships that were more based on friendship first, where the level of communication is left as open as possible, where there’s no real fear that saying the wrong thing might chase the other person away. This idea does run a risk that has been a running theme of my relationships with females, of always being seen as the buddy and never as the lover. But I’d much rather do the work needed to be the lover with the foundation of a kick-ass friendship than be someone’s lost weekend with nothing to talk about in between (not that I’m having to turn anyone away… [sigh]). I do have to work on a lot of bad habits, beginning with putting almost no effort into meeting or spending time with new people. I love having a lot of control of how I spend my time, but Life is passing me by while I ponder the words of this blog entry. Onward and upward: “I’m just an ordinary guy with nothing to lose.”

Sources:
image: Emotional Cut-Out by Joe Bustillos, © 2009 · Some Rights Reserved ·

video: American Beauty: Trailer, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Q3ltyPJJMQ Retrieved 7/10/2009

image: mouseguy, microsoft clip-art

Originally uploaded by fensterbme

It was Valentine’s weekend for some. For me it was just another weekend spent grading student blogs. But after reading an article in the UK’s Telegraph online newspaper titled, “Valentine’s Day: Technology is killing romance,” one of my students wrote a blog entry weighing the article’s premise that, because of technology, people don’t write love poems or letters to each other anymore. She said that a survey of over two-thousand people revealed that 62% had never sent a love letter (via the postal service). At the same time most everyone said that they had sent a text-message love note. My student shrugged that even though a text message isn’t anywhere as good as a real love letter, a text message is better than nothing. I’ve heard this one before: if it’s not on paper, written by hand, it’s just not as real. I don’t mean to be cruel or even crude, but I think that’s just bullshit.

Well, I was a little gentler when I began my response:

I’m curious, what is it in an electronic Valentine’s message that make is not “expressing yourself with your own thoughts”? I’ve been known to use every communication means at my disposal to let my beloved know that I was thinking of her. From 140 character text messages, to “Hello” IMs, to overly long voice-messages, to rambling emails, I found the “electronic” experience to have a certain level of “presence” that I didn’t experience before. Granted I might have over-used said technologies.. a bit… resulting in … let’s just say that my options are very flexible these days. But that’s not because of technology, that’s because some folks just don’t know how to put one word after another in a coherent (and passionate) manner. What’s that old saying about a good painter never blaming his tools…

long-haired writer

On a completely different note I was just told by a potential “match” that my e-Harmony profile photo was “a little scary.” WTF? It makes one second guess. The photo is dark and pencil-sketchy. Does that translate into dangerous and scary? I haven’t taken an official teacher-photo in several years so I’ve been using Photo-booth pix. Good thing I didn’t use any of the fun-house effects. I really shouldn’t let these things bother me, but I do wonder at how often I’ve been bumped off because of some misperception beginning with my profile photo. Then again, someone unable to appreciate something a little artsy probably isn’t going to work well with my continual self-assessment and re-interpretations of my self. Damn. Of course, having posted this photo of myself for the millionth time, I probably come off as totally self-obsessed and self-absorbed. I switched my profile photo to a “I voted” shot, which will probably piss off someone because it’s “political.” sigh.

Source: Adams, J. (2009, February 9). Valentine’s Day: Technology ‘is killing romance’. Telegraph. Retrieved http://www.telegraph.co.uk/scienceandtechnology/technology/technologynews/4568243/Valentines-Day-Technology-is-killing-romance.html

love tattoo by Jenn_Jenn (cc)

The ideal of love is it’s unconditional nature. The closest we usually come to that kind of love is the love between a parent and her child. But even that love has it’s limits, it’s conditions. I know that I’ve come up against my own limitations with a love that I thought was permanent and eternal. I thought I saw the face of God with this love and poured all that I had into it. But I was wrong. Time and trust were broken and I had to walk away. So much for the face of God.

I’m looking for a hard headed woman,
One who’ll take me for myself
And if I find my hard headed woman
I won’t need nobody else, no no no.
- “Hard Headed Woman” by Cat Stevens

I found a level of intimacy that I had never dreamed existed. The face of God. I was inspired to be my best self, not wanting to hide any part of myself but to bring all of it into full expression and creativity. Wherever I thought I lacked I set about to push through to be better, to be the best me because I was renewed by this powerful connection and boundless intimacy. Fearless, complete, committed, doubt-free, a self that I hadn’t seen in over a decade came into existence. A love of my music that had lain silent and had been a forgotten memory rose in me. I saw, I felt, I touched, I tasted, I couldn’t get enough. I became part of something much bigger than myself. The face of God. My world changed. I changed. Then I waited. And waited some more. I waited longer than I ever imagined I was capable of waiting.

He came from somewhere in her long ago,
the sentimental fool don’t see,
tryin’ hard to re-create what had yet to be created
once in her life.
She musters a smile for his nostalgic tale,
never coming near what he wanted to say,
only to realize it never really was.
- “What a Fool Believes” by Michael McDonald

Yeah, I knew better. I understood the circumstances. It all made sense. Clearly it wasn’t what I thought it was. It had been our special secret for so long but in the light of day it was something she’d rather no one else ever knew about. I wanted to shout about it from the mountain tops and she was pained to even acknowledge that i had been a college friend. How could something so powerful be so much the creation of my own head, a delusion that I never asked for? And if that were true, then did I really see the face of God or was that all wishful thinking too?

Hello. How are you?
Have you been alright, through all those lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely nights
That’s what I’d say. I’d tell you everything
If you’d pick up that telephone yeah
Hey. How you feelin?
Are you still the same?
Don’t you realize the things we did, we did, were all for real, not a dream?
I just can’t believe
They’ve all faded out of view yeah yeah
- “Telephone Line” by ELO

I wonder. I never expected for it to happen when it did. Does this mean that if some lovely with a dainty cross necklace smiles at me that I can go back to believing in the Man behind the curtain? Somehow that seems twisted. But there I was a few mornings ago, looking through the profile of one lovely e-harmonette, and the thought struck me that if this were “the one” than would I again become best friends with the Man behind the curtain? I mean, we stopped talking because for all of those years that I spent waiting I was hearing that He knows what I want before I do and wants to give that to me and the fact that it wasn’t happening must mean that A) I’m doing something wrong, B) she’s not “the one, C) Not now, or D) Any combination of A, B, or C. Eventually I began to wonder that it might be: E) there is no Man behind the Curtain.

The best proof of love is trust by dopesmuglar

And as much as I’ve spent the past year living like it’s option E, there is this part of me that needs for there to be someone there to talk to in the darkness of my own soul. At the same time, even if I were to be blessed with the mate of my dreams, how do I trust someone who stood by while my heart was slowly broken and brought to this place of doubt? I’m willing to acknowledge that I got it all wrong but where do I find the place of trust again? Needless to say, none of this is going to be attractive to anyone looking for a Christ-led home and looking for someone to love them like Christ loved the Church. Yeah. I understand the analogy but I’m not even going to pretend to live up to that expectation. I have the hair and the beard, but that’s pretty much the extent of it. Funny thing is, someone who hasn’t gone through this “intimate faith” experience or doesn’t believe in anything doesn’t seem particularly attractive to me either. Alas, I seem to have conditions piled on conditions piled on conditions in my pursuit of unconditional love. Lord help us.

So long, I’ve been looking too hard, I’ve been waiting too long
Sometimes I don’t know what I will find, I only know it’s a matter of time
When you love someone, when you love someone
It feels so right, so warm and true, I need to know if you feel it too

Maybe I’m wrong, won’t you tell me if I’m coming on too strong
This heart of mine has been hurt before, this time I wanna be sure

I’ve been waiting for a girl like you to come into my life
I’ve been waiting for a girl like you, your loving will survive
I’ve been waiting for someone new to make me feel alive
Yeah, waiting for a girl like you to come into my life
- “Waiting for a Girl like You” by Foreigner

Closed before I started

Yeah, I know, get over it. But there’s something really cruel about going to one’s e-Harmony account, find a few cuties in one’s “matches” folder only to see that said cuties have “closed” the match before you even get a chance to say, “Hello.” Argh. It’s no doubt a sign of my own shallowness that I’m irritated enough by being “rejected” by attractive women to write about it. Nah, it never feels good to get the “closed” message, but after getting and giving the “closed” message over a thousand times I can feel myself teetering toward giving up on the whole process. Just like everyone else, I want to be attracted to my potential mate, but these two examples really add insult to injury. Thanks, e-Harmony. I wonder how I might do on plentyoffish.com? jbb

For example, one young lady asked: In your Must Haves/Can’t Stands profile, you state that you “can’t stand someone who is overweight.” Hopefully, you can see from my photos that I am in no way “Skinny.” I’m a “Healthy size” girl! :- ) Where does that leave us?”

My answer: Excellent question. I love the spirit with which your question is presented. Funny thing is that I’ve known many a “skinny girl” who would deem themselves over-weight to the extent that I wish the statement were framed in terms of my concerns. 1st a confession: I myself am currently overweight, so there is a little of the pot calling the kettle black here. “Healthy” is an excellent word because my biggest concern is that one’s weight is such that it doesn’t restrict ones physical activities or put at risk one’s longevity. “Healthy” also means to me having a good (and somewhat) realistic self-image. We can all improve, but is that drive enough for us to constructively do something about it? For me, overweight has been a sign of someone who has felt unloved to the extent that they are self-medicating with food. I’d rather someone love the food they eat versus eat because they feel unloved. I’ve been there, I know.

Her followup question was all the more intriguing: “Should you still wish to communicate after reading my first question, I would like to know why you chose to join eharmony. Are you looking for a committed relationship that could possibly lead to permanency or something else?”

Friendly Confines servers

I joined e-Harmony because I recognized that I wasn’t likely to meet the kind of person I want in my life without someone working full time to do that for me. As a college teacher, I love the people I work with. I love their passion for their work and the intellectual drive with which they pursue it. But trying to forge a personal relationship with coworkers presents too many potential conflicts to make that a very wise option. I have a younger married co-worker who has taken it upon himself to help me in this area. I’m honored by his efforts and find it very endearing, but I’m hoping to make a connection via e-Harmony first. I believe that my years of living as an unattached rogue have been a “make-do” because I was really made to be in a relationship with someone but I decided that as important as that was, being with someone was not the same as being with anyone. I would like to make a meaningful connection and see if that could become something more permanent.

Then there are the more direct questions: How do you feel about holding off on having sex until marriage?

Sex can be a powerful imprinting force within a relationship, and I believe it’s natural to want to begin to experiment with sexual compatibility before marriage. I don’t want to sound like a typical male, but having seen a few couples who have made the no-sex-before-marriage commitment I have often seen them rush into marriage because they want to feel okay about having sex. Having been married and had other relationships, I’d rather be more organic about my approach to sexuality in terms of balancing all the other components of a healthy relationship such as friendship, trust, discovery, intimacy and let ones sexually just be another component rather than driving force either from getting physical too soon or from abstinence.

The there are the more possibly controversial question: My sister is gay, and our relationship is very important to me. If you had children, how would you feel about having a gay person involved in their life?

My best-friend, whom I chat with pretty much every day, is gay. We met when I was in Pepperdine’s doctorate program and she has been a steadfast friend ever since. As much as I love the Bible, I have a hard time with the church’s censure of a whole class of people because of the writings of Paul. I believe that Paul only understood the gay-lifestyle in terms of lascivious behavior, in which case he cautions against giving oneself over to sexual pursuits regardless of ones sexual preference. So, if I were to pray for my friend I wouldn’t pray that God would “fix” her but that He’d give her the desires of her heart, just as I want for myself, to find someone to share her life with in every way that that means. My son is grown so there’s no issue there, but as a teacher I’m ashamed that parents continue to instill ignorant stereotype and don’t seen that we’re all just people.

In the many many months I’ve invested in my e-Harmony… thing, perhaps, I should be comforted that it’s pushed me to really examine what it is that I’m looking for and the things that really matter to me, and that it is a moving target often dictated by my most previous experiences. Add to that the recent pleasure of telling friends “this is what I want.” Good times. jbb

Music: “Break Up the Concrete” by The Pretenders

I have these two wonderful friends, Dan and Terri, who are always looking out for my happiness. They’re a young happily married couple, any two of which is an oddity these days and whenever we go out they’re always looking for a woman for me. It’s very endearing to me. So, several weeks ago, knowing that there was no talking them out of their self-appointed mission, I decided that the best way to deal with this was just to tell them specifically what I’m looking for. Fortunately we were at one of our favorite spots, Mellow Mushroom, where a young lady works who had caught my eye from the first time I’d gone there last summer. So I told Dan and Terri about the young lady, petite, curvy and bright. I added that it doesn’t have to be her, that I was just giving them an idea of my “preferences.” Good times. A week later, Terri met Dan and I at our other favorite place, Friendly Confines, and Terri made sure that our waitress that evening was up to my specs and when we got there Dan made sure to sell her on the wonderful fun she could have if she went to have sushi with yours truly. To the young lady’s credit she was playful and not overly creeped out. I didn’t have my business cards, so I gave her Dan’s card with my name and cell # and designated Dan as my “agent.” I have no illusions that anything will come of this, but it was fun to have my friends actively make the effort and look for someone based on my preferences. I’m one lucky dude. jbb

music: I Know Why by Sheryl Crow from the Wildflower CD

For my friend, Sukie, thanks for the encouragement. More ancient tunes to follow…

So, one other thing that came out of the conversation was that one of my best friends (and boss), Holly, generally reads the blog up to the first paragraph, but stops reading at that point if I don’t mention her. Hmm, so I wonder if she’ll continue to read this, in that I didn’t mention her until the second paragraph. Oh yeah, the point isn’t just to mention her but to say something witty (or if I’m smart, flattering). Awkward pause. Damn. Do you know how weird it can be to have shared years of very personal stories and experiences, hear the unfiltered thoughts of fellow-workers and try to remember to pay attention to who might be in earshot when I open my big fat mouth? The scary part is that I write a publically available blog. So on more than one ocassion Holly has stopped me mid-sentence and asked, “is X at her/his desk?” just as I was about to say something that might not be taken well by the party under question. Doh! Talk about being smart beyond her years. Smile.

She joked that I might become frustrated because knowing that the blog is being read by various parties, administrative and students, I might fine myself stifled. I guess if that were to really become a problem then that would be a sign that I’m not in the right spot and should probably move on. But just as with my previous jobs, I find that the frustrations and screw-ups of my bosses, students and co-workers are perfectly in keeping with what one might expect from passionate flawed human beings. My co-workers are special because they have chosen to pursue a goal that sets them apart from most of their contemporaries. Beyond that, you have some of the most brilliant inquisitive minds that look past the mundane day-to-day burdens of the work-a-day world to see a much larger picture, but then at the same time completely derailed because they take personally some anonymous criticism from one disgruntled student out of dozens. Far from stifled, I love my co-workers all the more because they openly own their flaws and poke fun at each other because we are such weird and wonderful human beings.

I mean, when one of my co-workers has marital frustrations he’ll ask for my opinion and insight on the matter, I, who haven’t had a date in endless days, and another co-worker who has sworn off even the concept of “marriage.” You’d think one would ask for help on such matters from those who have proven to have had some success with the subject. Well, except that finding someone willing to claim “success” in the marriage arena, usually is unwilling to share the “secret” for fear of torpedoing said success or because finding such successes are ranked just beyond finding leprechauns near the ends of rainbows.

Truth be told, I’ve always known that I ride a fine line when I choose to write about the things going on in my life or my observations. I do it because it’s what I do. I do it because, in times of trouble, I need to vent and think out loud. And I believe that writing about it is much better than venting my frustrations on whomever is unlucky enough to be within shout-range. I do it because I love painting the literary picture. I do it because I’ve done it for countless years before there ever was an audience to read my thoughts. My guess is that my relationships in the late 80s and through the 90s would have been horrified at the things I wrote about had they found them published in a public forum, were there such a thing in those days. And I’ve resorted to writing my thoughts and feelings in the last half-dozen years because I usually wasn’t in a position to have that consistent intimate conversation with the one(s) I loved that I needed. So, given that I do have an audience with whom I work with every day, it’ll be interesting to see how this frames my ongoing need to write. And imagining that my current e-Harmony experiment proves to be successful and that I will also continue to have the dear friends I have to share my future frustrations with, what will become of my “sex and the single brain cell” blog? Well, that’s a problem I’d be willing to adjust to.

I don’t know that I’ll ever become a closed off “private” person. After many years of song writing and performing I imagined that I could take all of that public passion and emoting and channel it into my marriage. It was a nice sentiment, but I guess it was way too much to expect from one person and one relationship, especially in view of the fact that I never bothered to communicate those expectations to her. There is something private and proprietary that I hope to have with my special someone, but then just the joy in having that might be something that I feel compelled to write about and share. Ha. That’ll be a challenge because so much of what I’ve ever written about has come from the frustrations and not from the good times. Yeah, that’s a change I’d be willing to adjust to. Either way, fret not faithful readers, I could always fall back and write about my crazy co-workers, like this one time when doctor… oh wait… need to save those stories for a later date. Sorry. jbb

… and I will agree with the damn computers and get on with a life well lived. jbb

Music: “Don’t Bring Me Down” by Electric Light Orchestra from the “All Over the World: The Very Best of ELO” CD

I’ve been here for over three-months and it’s actually been over a year since I did anything with the e-Harmony account. Yeah, it’s time. I guess part of me was hoping that maybe something would “happen” socially given all of the great people I work with. Alas, like everywhere else in the world there’s a real taboo about dating co-workers. Damn. So it looks like I need to turn it over to the ol’ stand-by. I mean, I’ve been giving them my money for … probably about two-years, with two separate “campaigns” that lasted four to six months.

It was an incredible experience the first time that abruptly ended when I reconnected with you-know-who. The second time wasn’t so great, mostly because I wasn’t entirely sure that this was what I was supposed to be doing. Hopefully the third time will be the charm. I don’t have the blind conviction of the first time (that was fun, but didn’t end particularly well), nor the ambivalence of the second go ’round. It’s that saying about the insanity of doing the same thing everyday but expecting things to change. So beginning today, I’m taking another step toward that change that I’m looking for. Let’s see if we can’t take advantage of the previous experiences without getting confused about what’s “supposed to” happen. “Supposed to happen,” that’s funny. jbb

Music: Wheel by John Mayer from the “Heavier Things” CD

I’m trying to wrap my head around my fortunate circumstances. Yesterday after uploading my lesson plans and agendas for the week I stepped out for brunch but ended up spending a mindless day at Taco Beach. A perfect opportunity to get paperwork done, grade student work or at least catch up on the blog was squandered because I couldn’t concentrate on anything. It would have been a perfect afternoon to “get distracted” with a special someone, but I had to make do with interesting conversations with acquaintances at Taco Beach. It always seems to come back to that.

So I’m heading off to Florida and a completely unknown life. I’ve been thinking about this for months and have talked with family and friends for several weeks. Those who’ve known my story most closely tend to follow their congratulations with questions about what this means to “the relationship.” I’m not so sure that they believe me when I quote Michael Scott saying, “It’s all goooooood.” Truth be told, very much like when I was done with my teacher training an opportunity opened up so that I could leave the phone company with six months pay, so both the job here and the relationship are either stalled out or not going where I want to go, so Florida seems like the right thing at the right time. Funny that at almost 50, I’m getting, yet again, another new start.

Music: That Thing You Do from the album “That Thing You Do – Original Motion Picture Soundtrack” by Various Artists

Technorati Tags: FullSail, love, puppy, tacobeach, twitter, work

Where we’ve been can’t be separated from what we will become, but I find it amazing how everyone is set off in different directions by such small and big things that happen to us. I’m moving from all that I’ve known and loved to a place where I know only one person, who will become my boss, knowing full well that the thing that didn’t work out for me here was my inability to make my intimate connection with Juls workable for both of us in all the other parts of our lives. I’m not supposed to be alone, but I’m going to have to risk becoming more alone in order to take all I’ve learned to the next level. So it seemed a little odd that I’d meet someone on my last afternoon in Long Beach before heading out to Florida who completely seems to believe only in number one and the importance in having no attachments.

I met Matt, a commodities broker in his early 40s, who works out of his apartment, and went independent this past year after almost a decade with one of the big brokerage houses in LA. Relatively quiet chap, like a character in a Billy Joel song, he’s holding off on marriage until he makes his next fortune, even though he feels like it’s probably too late for kids. He did well and then lost it when the market changed. He’s been on his own since he was eighteen, went off to college and then the folks sold the family home. For him, he seems to want the same connection that I want, but he believes that not having any complicating connections is the best policy. It would seem that I have lived that lifestyle for a very very long time, such that I can consider moving across the continent with no one to tell me no. But deep inside I know that I have to have community as well as special intimacy. Maybe I’ll find that in Orlando. Hell, who knows. After being a fly on the wall at Taco Beach for years, I got them to turn up the volume on the TV and it really felt like TV-night with a bunch of friends. Chances are I’ll be able to do that again with my new friends in Florida. jbb

Twitters Leading To the Trip to Full Sail:

• @girlgeek77 I’d have a big damn grin if I weren’t so yearbook/journalism/computer lab pressured… can hardly wait, but ton 2 do btwn n&t # 2008-02-19
• twitbin is broke, won’t recognize my login. Damn. Not a good way to start the weekend. It’s currently 75 in Orlando. 2 days b4 fullsail trip # 2008-02-23
• Agenda for the week uploaded, projects uploaded, sub lesson plans created. trying to upload sub plans but getting no love, ack. # 2008-02-24
• all the school/work stuff uploaded, time 4 late omlette brunch @ LB Cafe, alas, place was packed 2 the streets, plan B: taco beach. Damn # 2008-02-24

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I’ve been adrift for some time. And I’m by no means at all sure of my course, location or destination. But in the smallest possible, possibly meaningless way, I felt a small wisp of hope Friday.

I don’t know how others go from tragedy, to disappointment, to failure, and still come out praising god and proclaiming that all is right in the universe. I go through the minor inconvenience of loneliness and seemingly persistent unanswered prayers to find meaning in a mate, and I’m pitched in the direction of not being able to hear His voice at all. I hate the notion that my core philosophy on life and spirituality is so dependent whether my social invisibility and lack of any intimacy in my life gets the better of me or not. How can the truth of ones life be so entirely self-centered? I don’t know. An e-harmonette from two years ago contacted me last week, and Friday she agreed to meet me for coffee Sunday afternoon. She preferred the afternoon ’cause she has a Biblestudy in the evening. Sometime after that conversation and listening to the late Mark Heard I remembered a small touch of hope I’d seemed to have lost.

I don’t have any illusions beyond finally meeting this friend and possibly finding someone to share my long neglected love of sushi with. But that was enough for me to actually entertain the possibility of going to church this next Sunday, or maybe even learn a few Mark Heard songs. It scares me that I can toy with the idea that Faith is largely delusion and then decide that life is still okay, just ’cause an attractive brunette returned my call. Obviously this story is far from done. jbb

I’m In Chains from the album “Stop the Dominoes” by Mark Heard

ps., I really miss Mark Heard…
All typos courtesy my iPhone

So I bared my soul and recieved resounding… silence. I confessed that my faith was being wounded because I have a hard time experiencing the love of God when I have been feeling so unloved in the here and now. Reading through Matthew’s gospel Jesus said that if we fallible human know how to give good gifts to our kids, how much more does God know how to give us what we need. Well, having discovered that I was “meant” to live a life-shared and my former rogue existence had been a lie. I have a hard time with God’s promise in view of my persistent failure to have a fully functional relationship with the person I have loved. And before I go any further with this, I’m not saying that any of this is her fault: it’s just the way things are. But this unmet need digs into my ability to trust and give back.

Before, when faced with this hope-yet-unrealized, I would examine my own life to try to figure out what lesson I needed to learn, trying to find what thing I yet lacked before I would fully enjoy this desired love. No one ever told me to do this. That was my natural response every time I was separated from her. What yet do I lack? It probably helped that it seemed like she had little choice in her circumstances, but in the time following her divorce that line of reasoning has been more difficult to maintain. I mean, it was funny how perfectly I could see areas in my life that needed “renovation,” just when some set-back would happened, And I would soldier on. Yeah, that got old and I eventually reconciled with myself that this lesson learned, the lesson that I’m not supposed to be alone, wasn’t dependent on her or her responsibility and so I did the e-Harmony thing. Well, in that I’m writing these words, e-Harmony or more directly, meeting people at church hasn’t worked out too well. And going through the upcoming holidays is going to be a bitch.

So, it’s become harder and harder for me to maintain my vigil, It’s getting to the point where this stupid little thing is getting in the way of my expression or experience of Faith. I mean, he promised it and I endeavored to maintain my end of it. I know we can be legalistic about it and find all the areas where my stupid human nature gives Him an escape clause, but that would be the way a shitty father would treat his kid, “Yeah, I was going to give you a PS3 for Christmas, but remember that one time when I told you to take out the trash eight-years ago? Well, you didn’t or at least didn’t until your mom nagged you to death. So that’s why there’s no PS3 under the Christmas tree.” Nah. That won’t fly. What yet do I lack?

My friends are really looking forward to 2008 and I’m afraid that it’ll be a year filled with the same emptiness and excuses. JBB

Music: Skepticality #043 – Skeptic’s Caltech Lecture Series: Sam Harris

When Kim and I divorced twenty years ago I was tired of feeling like shit for being a flawed imperfect human. Clearly I was doing something wrong in that my non-Christian friends seemed so much more comfortable with themselves (or maybe they were just much better at hiding their own self loathing… ). I was tired of not measuring up. So I stepped away from my faith and tried to learn to appreciate myself, the good and not-so-good, living one day at a time. Sex and relationships weren’t the problems they’d been before, but I was haunted by the thought that all we have is this life and after that there is nothingness.
I spent fifteen years in that place and might have stayed there had I not fallen in love with Whats-here-name. Before her, each day was important but I can’t tell you what I accomplished in all that time because all of my connections were tenuous and transitory. In actuality I accomplished a lot but there was no one in my life to share it with. I was a living example of the fruitlessness of being a tree falling in an empty forest. Then I fell in love and found the one I wanted to pour my life into. Even if all I would ever have was this life and nothing else, I felt like that would be enough if I spent it with her.

Thus, I rendered the question of life after death moot by identifying something that made living this life meaningful. Alas, my timing was tragically off and you-know-who was not in a position to reciprocate what I wanted with her, in the beginning because she was married, and then in the last three years because she couldn’t navigate a difficult divorce while having a relationship with moi. So then I was left to wonder, again, what was the point? I waiver between belief and doubt, and it didn’t help that I couldn’t seem to move on from my relation with her. It seems insane that the two, my faith and my relationship with her, are linked, but they were.

I was drawn back to what I’d lost because I found an all-encompassing love and I made the connection between that and the Author of Love. Sadly I was never able to enter into a real daily relationship with you-know-who. So I went to church alone or the movies, aware of the empty seat beside me, and it felt like waiting for the Rapture. But in this case when the rapture came (i.e., her divorce) I was left behind while she created a life for herself without her ex- and only marginally included me. So, one year after her divorce I’m a little frustrated with things. I mean, over the course of that relationship I’d learn that it was a mistake for me to be alone and that God knows the desires of my heart and wants to give me that right relationship. So, why the hell am I still alone?! It may seem trivial or petty in the larger scheme of things, but I’m getting back to the point of frustration that led to my spending fifteen years in “the wilderness.” I have been patient and I have participated in “my salvation” (i.e., e-harmony, or not just sitting on my ass expecting a knock on my door by some amazing woman), but if something doesn’t nudge soon I’ll be forced to doubt the promise that He wants to give good things to His Children.

I know that all of this seems assinine, especially in view of real suffering in the world, but I’m getting ridiculously tired of waiting.I feel like that vulture in the cartoon who says, “screw this waiting, I’m going to swoop down and kill something.” I mean, like the Simon and Garfunkle song (with a 2007 twist) I’m finding myself spending way too much time fighting my loneliness with mindless “entertainment” on the Internets, which just adds to the feeling of shittiness. It’s a vicious circle.

I must be doing something wrong. He wants to give to His children, I recognize that I was never meant to be alone, and I think I could make someone happy… Either I’m doing something wrong, or He really doesn’t care about my pathetic little life. Surely I cannot and do not blame Him for the state of my non-social life, but it’d be nice if He could lend a brother a hand, or something. jbb

Music: Take My Lifefrom the album “Take My Life – Vineyard Voices” by Scott Underwood

She got so mad at me last year when I felt like giving up, saying “who gives up in the ninth inning?” And maybe my continual complaining hardened her resolve to do the divorce thing and not allow herself to be have any “relationship entanglements.” I don’t know. How did I miss the obvious emotional disconnect? I kept giving her credit even when she warned me to not count on her for anything (her exact words!). I just kept leaning in her direction, ignoring the fact that I knew she wasn’t ready to have anything with anyone and especially with me. So after anticipating for years a life with her, I’m having to re-imagine a life that doesn’t include waking up next to her and hearing about the latest crazy idea from her youngest or paintball adventures from her eldest son.

It’s hard saying good-bye to an image of my life with her that I’ve been anticipating and waiting for for over five years. But that’s what I have to do. Given the last few difficult turns hee life has taken, she may want me there but not as… not as her acknowledged lover or boyfriend. Just someone to lend support and then go away (someone important but not… a “significant” other, regardless of what she may have said about wanting kids with me or begging me to never leave, I was never meant to be part of the real picture of her life; I was never meant to be a part of the whole package). A friend, a needed friend, but never anything more. So I need to redirect the course of my life, which for five-years I’ve been steering to be about a life with her, and go in a completely unanticipated and unknown direction. Irony is that I always prided myself in being comfortable with the open ended question and living a life fully conscious and emotionally self-aware. I guess I’m getting what I wanted. jbb

Sent from my iPhone

One good thing that came out of this conversation was that it reminded me of something I wrote on a web-page just as I was coming into this experience of Love that would so completely change my life. And even though the relationship seems to have run its course and I’m currently not with the person who was at the center of this very long whirlwind, the things that I was beginning to learn and wrote about still hold true. My struggle for the past few month has been to remember and hold on to all of the good things that I’ve learned despite how things have turned out. Some days are harder than others…


I almost think that I’ve come full-circle now. Almost fifteen years ago I wrote an article about following the “Logic of Feelings.” At the time the argument was that it was important to not dispel “feeling’s message” just because it lacked something in the way of being “objective truth,” and that it’s okay to determine the course of ones own life with the assistance of said feelings. It was hardly a mission statement but it was a good place to start.

Using Steven Covey’s “Beginning from the Ending “ model, I’ve created my own extended obituary:

When I’m gone I’d like my friends and family to remember my love for seeing the humor in everything (rule 6, or was that 69). While this humor had its roots in an insecure boy’s avoidance/defensive mechanism, it found it’s full voice in an older man’s understanding that the difficulties and tragedies that would rob us of our smiles merely hide the much greater reality, full of wonderment and limitless possibilities. And sometimes the only answers for life’s irritating queries is just to laugh at it all.

When I’m gone I hope that my friends and family see that a good measure of this humor came from my love of language. I can only imagine that my elementary school teachers would never believe that this stubborn nine-year-old, who hated reading and refused to look at anything more “literary” than LIFE Magazine and National Geographic during library time, would have been proud, in his later years, to call himself a life-long learner. In the space of about seven-years the reluctant third-grader became a knowledge-thirsty high school sophomore willing to plow through Elizabethan English and the King James Bible to satisfy his thirsty soul. In fact this language-laden quest would lead that sophomore through a “literary” Bachelor’s Degree in Biblical Studies and then a second Bachelor’s in Journalism.

Then there’s the music. When I’m gone I hope that my friends and family remember the important role that playing and writing music had for me. Actually learning to play guitar as a teenager and stumbling into songwriting (because nothing out there seemed to reflect the way I felt) forced me to learn how to articulate feelings and communicate within a very specific and narrow bandwidth (my budding musicianship). Performing said music, first with my first writing partner and then later solo, taught me a lot about communicating by listening first for the audiences’ response. I also learned to not let the number of faces intimidate me, but rather to find a few faces to focus on and let them unconsciously speak for their neighbors.

Then there are those faces in the crowd . . . What are the words and music and humor without those special people, friends and family, who connect with ones small voice crying in the wilderness. All of it, the accomplishments, the accolades, the insights, and the learning are completely worthless and meaningless without the knowing smile, the supportive hand squeeze, and the simultaneous glance. When I am gone I hope that you embrace the memory of our times together and how my life would have been so vacant and empty with you in it.

Most important to me are the small faces in the crowd. Maybe it comes from being part of a moderately large family, maybe it comes from never having grown up myself, maybe it comes from understanding that all of creation exists behind those little eyes, in their hearts and hands, that there is nothing more important than doing my part in their life’s journey. When I am gone, they and their children and their children’s children will be a testament as to whether I did the job that I loved so much.

Then there is the benefit of having lived at this time in history, in this place, with these opportunities and, of course, with all of these great toys. “For whom much is given, much us expected.” While I’ve used that quote to motivate myself to gear myself toward the service of others, I also use it to recognize the wealth of technology and access to it that has/had been dumped in my lap. When I am gone I hope that my friends, family and colleagues remember that I was always captured by the wonderment of our species’ creativity at having made these things. In my enjoyment, however, I hope they remember that I never let the toys or their shininess become more important than the little hands that would use them or the hands that created them (including my own).

Thus when I am gone I hope that my friends and family remember the smile in my eyes and my willingness to turn something on its head so that we could all have good laugh over it. I hope that they remember that my life was about building into the future by helping my students and associates integrate the complexities of our technological existences with our human endeavors for companionship, meaning and community. I hope that they revel in my love of writing and for communicating and how fascinating I found each of them and our whole species. I hope that they remember how I loved my role as observer, as teacher, as brother, and as lover. I hope the vista of these memories amazes them in its simple beauty and stays with them because of its deep complexities.
JBB

“Everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.” Luke 12:48 (NIV)

Taking care of my gifts:
Health
I’m no use to anyone else including myself if I don’t take care to maintain my physical health with proper diet, proper exercise and proper rest. Of course the cool part is that the better I do at this the greater energy I have for the other stuff.

Heart/Head
I’m no use to anyone else including myself if I don’t invest in my own emotional and mental health through frequent reflection and meditation on my core values and beliefs and interaction with my significant other, my family, my primary friends and associates.

Well-tuned instruments
I cannot share or help others if I haven’t first spent the time and energy needed to maintain and develop my talents. I need to spend time every day writing and reflecting. I need to spend time every day listening and being a participant in the lives of those closest to me. I need to spent time every day playing my guitar to continue to develop and maintain the voice that I first discovered almost thirty-years ago. I need to spend time every week investigating and reading to maintain my technology troubleshooting/problem solving skills. I need to spend time every couple of months creating web or video projects. I need to spend time every couple of months meeting and working with people with similar communication drives or interests. I need to spend time (quarterly?) publishing or presenting my projects and materials to my associates and supporters.

Giving Back:
Home/Not Home
I know that some of my contemporaries make great efforts to keep their personal and professional as separate as possible and take great pride in that. But, because I tend to work across so many different skill sets on so many different projects, I prefer to let my personal life and profession life overlap as much as is possible or reasonable. This is not to say that I’d let my students suffer because of difficulties at home (the mom/dad-to-kid-to-dog-to-cat chain reaction), but wherever possible the lessons or insights of my or their home experiences needs to be a part of our learning community. My “role” as an educator is actually a skill (or collection of skills) and lives along side my other skills (often confused as roles) to afford me the means to live in the different areas of my life. But I am the same person and I know that I benefit and my students or associates benefit the more I pull together all of my resources to support them in their learning and endeavors.

Living in the Moment
Whether I’m answering a printer question on the phone or a seven-year-old wants to tell me what movie he saw with his older brother over the weekend, I need to be there for that person in that moment. Because I believe that all of creation exists behind those little eyes, in their hearts and hands, and one cannot tell how the gift of ones attention can effect the lives of these little ones, there is, therefore, nothing more important than doing my part in their life’s journey. Now, because there are frequently forty little ones vying for my attention I cannot be in the moment for that one person to the exclusion of all the others. So there are certain balance limitations at work here.

This also means that I need to be there for those little and big ones whom I’m related to, just as with those who call me “Mr. Bustillos.” And those whom I’m related to would be well-served to understand that there should be no conflict in my being there for them or for my students because one does not diminish the other. In this case, the more I give, the more I have to give.

Balancing the “Then,” the “Now,” and the “Later”
Like the sub-floors and pillars driven deep into the earth below great building, I know that what we wish to build into the future is frequently determined and shaped based on what we have built in the past. This goes for organizations as well as individuals. New administrators would do well to fully understand where their staff and organization has been before making changes, rather than to imagine to sweep away the past through executive order and then wonder why no one is following through with his/her edicts. At the same time, because of our capacity to create and change, we cannot afford to allow ourselves to be limited to the dictates of the past, especially if we did not have a full, active role in creating those dictates.

Now it’s certainly true that there is nothing that one can do about the past and that the future is, in fact, unknown. But we cannot allow ourselves to suffer from the tyranny of the “Now.” Because most of our lives are full, well passed overflowing, we need to be aware not to let the endless stream of “just one more thing” completely fill and commandeer the sum total of our lives. This means that today’s actions and demands (the “Now”) needs to be properly balanced with time for reflection (the “Then”) and time for planning (the “Later”). What this means in terms of a mission statement is that I need to provide for myself and those whom I’m leading adequate time to plan and then adequate time to reflect after project completions. JBB